i hate fucking acne so fucking much
no one gets it. NO ONE. no one has had it this bad. i look in the mirror and literally start crying because of how bad it is, because it makes me feel so ugly and gross.
not to mention the rest of my disgusting face
self esteem = -500000000
like what the fuck it’s not even fair. i wash my face every fucking morning and every fucking night. some nights i do extra treatment. but i have this fucking mountain on my forehead, going on three weeks.
fuck life, never ever fucking fair
my mind won’t stay in the same place.
frustrating.
don’t know what to thinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
i don’t know what i want
my face
(Source: s-old, via we-the--free)
and tim is a nice guy, but i feel like if i were to ask him why he likes me, he wouldn’t even know. what it feels like is that he’s not in it for doing stuff but just for like being in a relationship. i just feel like if he really liked me he would act different.. idk. it’s like he’s just acting how he thinks a boyfriend or whatever should act. like there’s no feelings behind it..
god fuck
now this will always be in my mind
ugh
i don’t even know what to think.
like, i’ve been complaining for months and months about how much i want a guy to like me, how no guys like me, and now i actually have it. like, i’m not saying that was the reason why i was so sad, because it wasn’t the whole reason at all. and it has been making me happier. but i see all these couples around me and they’re all so comfortable with each other and tim and i are, to an extent… and i want to say it’s like we’re just friends comfortable, because that’s kinda how it feels, and in that case it’s almost like a relationship wouldn’t work out? but we’re not just friends comfortable. i don’t even know how to explain it. ugh. i also think about how comfortable i was with like jake k, even though we like never talked, and i think it must be because we did stuff.. like that just brings people closer even if you don’t want it to. so i feel like that would be a good next step to take. but……. it’s not happening. like do i really have to initiate that? i hate that i probably am going to have to start everything. like i seriously hate that.
going off a lil bit here- also, why am i even freaking out about this so much? like, why has everyone else’s relationships seemed so much easier? like they just simply fell into place with each other. why doesn’t that happen for me? i’m so off and on with tim it’s ridiculous. sometimes i want someone there for me, mentally, physically, whatever, i just want that a lot, and tim seems like the perfect candidate. other times i don’t want anyone tying me down and that i’m having a really good time with my friends right now in my life and i don’t want that to stop/ruin it. i’ll think about all the flaws that tim has (which actually there aren’t very many at alll) and what i wouldn’t like about him or what i would get annoyed of or maybe even what other people would judge him/me for being with him for. like, who the fuck does that? i’m so fucked up with relationships. will i ever not be?
so basically. i don’t even know the point of this post. it’s gotten me nowhere. i’m more confused than ever. tim’s a great guy and i’m so lucky to have a guy like him liking me. i know that. i won’t complain about guys not liking me ever again because the fact that he’s stuck around this long is amazing. but it’s not like him liking me as raised my self esteem. maybe a tiny bit, but i still can’t look in the mirror and like what i see. how am i supposed to do that with such bad acne and just over ugly facial features. even with a clear face, i’m uglier than all my friends without make up. and i believe that 100% no matter what anyone says. and that sucks. my self esteem being so low has made it so i literally won’t take pictures because i don’t want to look on facebook later and see my ugly ass zitty face that everyone else can see too. that tim can look at and say “oh.. gross.” the low self esteem has made it so i question everything i say and everything i do so i can’t truly be myself anymore. i’m so self conscious that what i’m saying is manly, stupid, weird, ugly, just overall bad. it’s made it so that i literally can never look in the mirror and say “oh, i look good right now!” there’s always something wrong. sometimes i’ll think a certain thing looks good at a certain time, but that’s about as far as it goes. and just tim liking me isn’t going to change that. it’s not going to change what i see when i look in the mirror or at pictures. all it makes me think is “why did he even pick me, look at me.” and that’s honestly what i think. and now i can’t even speak that opinion to my friends because they try to deny it. them telling me i look good might make me feel good for about 10 seconds, but again, it doesn’t change what i see. i just feel like they’re being nice, they’re my friends, they have to say that. like, i’m not saying i’m super ugly, but i know i’m not pretty or beautiful or hot or cute. i never will be.
wow i’ve gone off track here
still don’t know what to do about tim.
i mean, i’m going to stick with it. keep on trying. i just hope it all turns out well. everything
.
god i’m fucked up aren’t i
